Limitless Perspective.

A couple of months ago, I started my pediatric rotation at the local hospital. Going into the rotation, I recalled what we were taught during our lectures and prepared myself for the different procedures and cases that we were to come across. However, unlike previous placements, nothing could have prepared me for the extent of suffering I witnessed.

Months away from becoming a registered nurse, I wasn’t taken aback by much. Being surrounded by sick people and cleaning open wounds didn’t affect me anymore, especially after being trained in one of the bigger government hospitals in Malaysia. As I attempted to empathise with patients and their parents in some situations, I couldn’t come to terms with how unfortunate their circumstances were. Child abuse, cerebral palsy, and Hirshprung’s disease were just some of the cases that I was not emotionally prepared for.

My mind wandered almost every night before I went to sleep, ‘Is it really true that what goes around, comes around?’ Karma is something that’s frequently discussed and associated with illnesses - especially among adults. Unforgiveness is also a common ‘explanation’ for illnesses. But when it came to children, I wondered, ‘How could that be? They have barely come into the world long enough to lie, let alone do something that punishes them so severely’. I came across a baby that was 3 days old with a colostomy, a baby that was 3 months old with Leukemia and Down’s syndrome, and worst of all, victims of child abuse. I would see multiple cases like these daily. How could that be someone’s life? What sort of life is that? I failed to gather my thoughts and emotions.

I believe that it’s not anyone’s fault. It isn’t the parent’s fault that some kids are born with congenital abnormalities, it’s not the kid’s fault, it’s not the healthcare staff’s fault. But who is to blame? I wasn’t sure if I was feeling rage, indignation, or just pity. Or maybe I was just too ignorant before? It was a rojak bowl of emotions that I just couldn’t rationalize.

I once ran a social service program at a local home for the disabled. On a planning trip, I saw a bed-ridden child who had a condition called hydrocephalus. He was extremely underdeveloped and was fed through a tube. I just assumed that his condition was something temporary. However, when I returned to run the program, a year later, I saw him there again. Same bed, same position, no movement. He couldn’t move his head and, on very special days, the staff would move him out onto the lawn, the only time he knew what the sky looked like. Tears filled my eyes.

As soon as the program ended, I was on the next train back home. At that time, I was in the midst of convincing my parents to let me go on one of my solo trips to India. Many times I’d say, “But I wanna travel. I wanna experience and see things and meet people. You don’t understand, I need inspiration for my next coming season”. Seeing that boy lie in the same position and spot, day in and day out, convicted me deeply. It made me feel spoiled, ungrateful, and entitled. Here I was, blabbering until I got my way and there was this little boy, who had never walked, played games with family, or felt the excitement of travelling. All he knew was what the sky looked like on the days he was brought out and that the ceilings had fans and lights. ‘Shame on me’ I thought.

Now, let’s come back to my rotation. I got to know some of the parents of the children with their limitations. A thread running through all my conversations with these parents was their optimistic perspective and approach to the situation. There was never a point where I sensed them craving my pity. Each parent spoke boldly and positively. I asked how it was first finding out about the illness and each parent responded differently but all so courageously. One said, “I have no time to be sad. My child needs me and I’m always in a ‘what’s next mood’”. Another said, “Children are gifts from God and God has chosen me to look after him, so I will. He has given, and He will give me the strength”. One mother said, “God is sovereign and I will accept the current state of my child knowing that God is still sovereign”.

We grow up envisioning our future families. We hope to have x number of kids and have names picked out in advance. With all honesty, if life threw something like this at me, I do not know if I would be as positive, accepting, or courageous to face such a circumstance. I dwell in self-pity every so often and sulk in what could have been because I think having an easy life is my right. But none of the parents that I spoke to were like that.

The fact is that when their special child was born, their lives changed forever. Their race to climb the corporate ladder had to take a back seat and the simple act of going for a family vacation would now include additional planning and expenses. Imagine having to consider 100 things to make a small yet significant choice. It truly opened my eyes and heart to see the determination and dedication that these parents had knowing the difficulties, changes, and sacrifices it would require them to make.

When I first begin nursing school, I prayed and asked God to help me love with open arms, as Jesus did, and to put on God’s lenses; to see the world and to see people the way God sees them. And no doubt, 3 years in, God never fails to show me and move my heart daily. I have been taught simple life lessons, challenged by simple mindsets and principles, and moved by individuals from different walks of life, be it by the hospital matron or the janitor. In my attempt to intentionally see God’s perspective in everyone and every situation, I’ve been in awe of the amount of good, pure, and genuine love that is right outside our front door.

In conclusion, I’m yet to fully comprehend the suffering we witness in this world, let alone draw this article to a conclusion; but I ask this to all of you reading, ‘What if it were you? What would you do? Would you have a positive approach or would you curse God?’

Writer’s note:

I wrote this reflection over a year ago when I was still a nursing student. Now as a Registered Nurse working in an Oncology/Palliative department, my experiences in this somewhat challenging field have increased and have given me a deeper insight to the struggles that can come with having special needs, physical limitations or even being terminally ill. This has not dampened my faith but has challenged me to approach the challenges that come with working in my field, bolder; to be compassionate and loyal in your love, And don’t take yourself too seriously— take God seriously. - Micah 6:8 MSG