Approaching Graduation

At the beginning of nursing school, three years ago, nothing seemed to be going right. I was delayed 10 months before starting my course and when I finally did start, I wasn’t performing as well as I had hoped to. I was disappointed since I was certain that I had heard God’s calling upon my life to go into nursing and therefore, everything would be smooth sailing. I held on to the initial word I had heard from God and constantly reminded myself that ‘the God who has brought me to this course will take me through it’.

As everyone does when starting a new chapter, I had expectations for myself. In three years, I expected myself to be in a committed relationship, serving as part of a church family, topping all my classes, travelling around, not compromising on my personal projects and enjoying the prime of my life.

As the first year came to a close, I knew I wasn’t cutting it and that my expectations were not being met. But I still had another year to catch up. I was constantly met with disappointments and anxiety due to the pressure of my self-determined expectations.

By final year, I was not even close to meeting one of my list items when COVID-19 hit and discouraged us all. Because of this, I had way too much time to process, evaluate, and scrutinize my life over the last 3 years. A negative cloud came over me as I questioned myself daily where I had gone wrong and how I had ended up so unhappy and unsatisfied. To make matters worse, as I returned to my clinical practice, we started dealing with the consequences of COVID-19 and MCO front and centre.

I became anxious and agitated and began doubting God. I cried myself to sleep every other day and felt as if I was going through everything alone. My college dorm room felt like a foreign land and my final posting felt like a battlefield; one I was definitely losing against. Once again, I held on to the initial word I had heard from God and constantly reminded myself that ‘the God who has brought me to this course will take me through it’.

However, when I was ready to listen, I heard God’s gentle voice speak to me through a devotional reading:

“But I want to reassure you that this anxiety has not cancelled God’s plan over your life. Your struggles have been no surprise to God. He is not taken off-guard by your fears and insecurities. He’s not waiting for some future version of you to show up. He delights in you, His child, right now. In fact, He gets the glory shining through our broken cracks.

His power is made perfect in your weakness.

What does that mean?

It means that despite your flaws, when God meets them, you become the perfect match. So be proud that He is at work in your life. It was never up to you to do this whole thing right.

What you’re going through now and the work God is doing in your life is all specifically tailored to the calling He has on your life. These vulnerabilities are a part of your story. They are how you will connect with the world around you from a real place of humanity and compassion. They are how you will be able to speak the language of the hurting and the broken and show them the light of Christ.”

- ( Devotion by Brittney Moses from Practical Tips for Biblically Overcoming Anxiety)

This affirmed that my struggles, difficulties, delays, and disappointments were not fruits of my mistakes and certainly not because God had turned His back on me. Rather, no matter what is going on around me, God’s goodness still stands and doesn’t change. I was learning to hold on to Jesus; He was definitely holding on to me.

As I approach graduation, I am in awe of God’s love and nature that I have experienced over the last three years.

Approaching graduation.

Approaching graduation, I realize that I am not where I envisioned or expected myself to be.

Approaching graduation, I spent my final year in my bedroom and not in my classroom.

Approaching graduation, I can’t believe how fast these last three years have gone by.

Approaching graduation, I’m anxious, under pressure, fearful of what’s to come.

Approaching graduation, I’m satisfied knowing I’ve done my best.

Approaching graduation, I continue to have hope that God Almighty, who brought me to this course and carried me through it, will not fail to show up again.

Approaching graduation, a chapter of my life comes to an end.

As of today, I still haven’t graduated. But God’s goodness still stands and doesn’t change and I will continue to hold on to Jesus.